So, you’ve been dumped. Or maybe you were the dumper and not the dumpee. Either way, the initial post-breakup feelings aren’t usually a walk in the park. They’re more like stepping in dog shit as you run to catch the bus, only for it to pull away at the last second, with the splash from a puddle completely drenching your new velour tracksuit. Oh, you thought that only happened in the movies? Well think again! That is your life after a breakup. If you’re lucky though, the sun will come out just in time to dry your clothes as you wait for the next bus, which will of course be the same bus your Mr. Perfect happens to take. Ah, fate!
Okay that last part probably only happens in movies.
But it is true that you can get to that sunshine happy place again, despite the initial cloud of a breakup. Here is the process of a breakup as portrayed though Arrested Development.
The Mourning Period
No more will you have that person to be your go-to. You can ask your friends to scratch your back or play with your hair like your S/O used to do, but it won’t be the same. In fact it will probably be extremely awkward for your friend and could damage yet another relationship in your life. So instead, you grab some wine and oreos and think of all the things you’ll miss- their smile, the way they touched you, and how happy they made you. And if that isn’t enough to make you wanna drunk cry in the shower I don’t know what is.
You get back into your routine
And it’s exhausting.
“I still can’t believe I made him 5 bagel bites when I know he likes even numbers!”
You drink. A lot.
It’s 5 o’ clock somewhere! oh it’s 5 here?…oh I’ve been drinking since 5 yesterday? No guys, really I’m fine, don’t I look fine?
ANGER, RAGE, FRUSTRATION
I can’t believe he broke up with me in a tweet! I gave up ice cream for that lactose intolerant douchebag!
You realize you are one fly mothafucka
Who wouldn’t date me? I’d date me.
You engage in inappropriate relations in an attempt to move on.
Sometimes multiple relations in one night. Who’s judgin? Not me, and not Miley that’s for sure.
Maybe just your mother….and the Church.
You avoid your ex at all cost
What?! What is he doing here? I thought it was understood this bar was my territory! Quick, grab your menus and run for cover!
You feel a new found sense of freedom, and empowerment… like you can do anything.
You obviously can’t do anything, but it is a great feeling nonetheless.
You can look back at your relationship and remember the good times, without feeling sad.
One of the hardest things to do is open yourself up to someone completely. At least you tried… I mean..no one wants to be a chicken when it comes to love.