Let me begin by stating that I am not at all a fan of Thanksgiving. Turkey is gross and football bores me. But my least favorite part comes when you’re gathered around the table and forced to say something you’re thankful for. Maybe it’s just my family, but they judge whether or not your answer is good enough…which of course mine never is.
“I’m thankful for my family.”
“No Emily you can’t say that Adam already did.”
“I’m thankful for the food on the table.”
“It’s a sin to lie Emily, look at your plate it’s just corn.”
“Well maybe I’m thankful Mom at least made me corn so I didn’t starve?!”
Anyways, here are the things I am actually extremely thankful for but would only say at the dinner table if I had a death wish or wanted to be excused from the table indefinitely.
I would’ve put “In no particular order” at the beginning, but I mean, this could be number one. I probably wouldn’t even make it through a family function without pregaming by myself in my room first. It’s a miracle my parents never noticed the giant box of Franzia sitting on my dresser…in plain view. That is divine intervention my friends. God wants me to be happy.
A tie for first? I don’t think I really need an explanation here. But virgins…sex feels like how chocolate cake tastes. So stop dieting.
3. Kelly Clarkson
Ugh, ma girl. Arguably the Breakup song queen (right up there with t-swift only Kelly is way more of a bad ass) Since U Been Gone was and will forever be my anthem anytime I hate a boy. That guy who I maybe-sort-of flirted with two minutes ago is talking to some other girl?! SINCE U BEEN GONEEEEEE. Kelly makes you want to go through a breakup just so you can dance around in your underwear while you burn your ex’s pictures..or perform voodooo…or whatever it is girls do these days.
Jump starting my modeling career since 2012.
5. Construction Workers
Sure, I’m grateful for their service fixing roads and what not but I’m more grateful though for the fact that they all seem to love whistling at girls. Now, some girls hate cat calling, and respond with “ew, pigs.” I am not one of those girls. This one time I was walking back from my then-boyfriend’s apartment after about 2 days of partying. I hadn’t showered, I was rockin the outfit from the day before, and I’m pretty sure I just resembled the girl from The Ring. But these four workers all looked at me like I was Eva Longoria. And is it so absolutely terrible that that boosted my self esteem for the day? Shout out to creepy construction workers..keep doin you.
6. The Squirrel Whisperer
Okay, everyone knows who I’m talking about right? This girl makes custom hats for the squirrels on campus. I personally hate the squirrels because they have some sort of vendetta against me. (This one actually threw an acorn at me and just stood there like ‘what are you ganna do about it.’) So yeah eff the squirrels, but I’m thankful for people who aren’t afraid to be themselves…even if that means fraternizing with the enemy.
7. No Shave November
I never used to be into facial hair but for some reason I’m really diggin it this year. Maybe it’s like a sexy werewolf attraction.