I open my eyes to the sight of his bushy unkempt fro. Talk about bedhead. (not that I’m a walking Herbal Essence model in the morning) I roll over and see the door- half cracked the light from the hallway makes the appearance of, oh I don’t know, the gates of heaven opening for my grand getaway?
Perhaps a little dramatic, but you get the idea.
I slowly get up as not to wake the bear snoring loudly beside me. My pants have to be around here somewhere…
“Hey” *loud yawn “you’re leaving?”
“Uhhh…yeah….laundry day…you know how it is.”
He doesn’t. Has he ever done a load of laundry in his life? Geez bro at least throw your clothes in the closet before company like the rest of us.
Maybe I’m running away from a great guy, a great catch. Maybe one day I’ll look back and think “Wow, I really blew it. I should have given him a chance.”
I sincerely doubt it though.
Maybe this is a girl thing, or just a me thing, but the truth is I can go from “I think he’s the one” to “What the hell was I thinking” faster than a knife fight in a telephone booth. So what made me run for the hills this time you ask? Well it was number 1 on my list. (and probably a few other numbers as well)
1. The Oh-My-God-Why-Is-A-German-Shepherd-Making-Out-With-Me kisser.
Now I’m all about playful licking as weird as that may sound. But there is a BIG difference between that and then literally wondering how someone could be so far off the kissing grid. If you’re trying to make out with me, but your tongue is on my cheek, and then nose, and then chin…HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM.
2. His number is higher than Bob Marley
It turns me off when someone is a giant man whore. Not only does it make me paranoid about acquiring STDs but it also makes me feel like I’m just another notch on their bedpost. And I’m not, dammit!
3.The ‘Should you really be sharing that on social media?’ twitaholic
Girls, tweet away… idgaf you have a lot of feelings, trust me I get it. But men, come on. If you tweet every little thing in your life I’ll read it before you even have a chance to tell me! Where’s the #mystery?!
4. The ‘I can’t find him on Facebook how do I creep on him?!’
One time, I met this adorable guy at the bar. I did what any girl would do after meeting who they thought to be an extremely (or at least half-decent?) attractive, intelligent male at the bar. See if he was in fact as you remembered him, or if your beer goggle prescription was a little off that night. To Facebook! No Facebook? Did I imagine this all in my head? Well, the book of face is on the out anyways… To Twitter! No Twitter…no deal…this guy must be a serial killer. Besides how will I know I’m his WCW without social media….
5. The Douche
Kind of broad, but I mostly mean…if you don’t have manners. For example, If you don’t hold the door open for me (or you know, people in general) if you talk down to waiters at restaurants, if you are in general a self- centered individual I will lose interest. What’s that saying about guys who put themselves first through the door put themselves first in the bedroom? Actually I may have just made that up. Regardless, you can’t expect me to treat you like a King if you don’t treat me like a Queen.
6. The ‘Oh yeah, me too!’
It turns me off when someone agrees with everything I say.
Me: I love the movie Perks of being a Wallflower.
Potential Orgasm Giver: Me too!
Me: And I love the color purple…
Potential Orgasm Giver: Oh my god, get outta town. Me too!
Me: (THIS IS JUST A TEST) And I really look up to Ted Bundy. He accomplished so much it was a shame to see him go.
Potential Orgasm Giver: I’m so glad you said that because I actually do too. I know it’s really horrible and everything but like, I loved Ted, and you know…
Um, no. I don’t know. And I don’t think you do either so stop agreeing with everything I say. I know you think this is what you’re supposed to be doing but it’s actually lowering my attraction to you exponentially.
You know what else turns me off? People who have the time to list their turn offs. I mean, who does that anyways?