“You’re sleeping on my lap right now, and I know you don’t want me to say this to you but you’re the absolute most amazing person I’ve met. I’m so comfortable around you, I can tell you anything, and I just honestly love being around you. If I can just be your friend forever, that would honestly make me so happy because friendship like ours doesn’t come around every day. I honestly care so much about you, I want nothing more than for you to find happiness because you more than anyone deserves that. I don’t want to lose contact with you after the semester. I hope we can still be really good friends and talk a lot. I honestly know we can’t be anything (no matter how much I wish we could be) I just want you to know I’ll always be here for you, I’ll always care about you, and I’ll always want you to be the happiest you can possibly be. I’m so thankful for you because you’ve shown me what I need/want in a future partner. And I’ll never settle for anyone less than what you’ve shown me. I honestly can’t thank you enough for everything, I’ve been through the worst and now I know exactly what kind of person I want and I deserve. You’ve honestly changed my life. I’m so thankful for you. You’re so beautiful and absolutely perfect. Any guy that gets to end up with you will be the luckiest man on the face of the earth. I just want you to know that no matter what I’ll care about you and what makes you the happiest. You deserve that. “

This made me want to cry.

I feel like you’ll stumble across this at some point and I just want to say you’ve been the best friend I’ve needed, and I’m so lucky to have you in my life. I know we’ll remain close even though we won’t get to hangout every day, or watch movies that I fall asleep to 10 minutes in, or drink fancy liquor pretending we’re mad men, or play blue man….wow this is really going to suck actually….

It’s strange how fate brought you into my life, but everything happens for a reason. I hope you know I’m here for you and can’t wait to hear all about your adventures in the real world. I know you will find a great girl and treat her like a princess… but she will have to get my seal of approval first.

You’re pretty wonderful, you know that?

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We took it too seriously,” she said. “We were making plans for twenty years in the future when both of us knew this wouldn’t last.

“He said he was going to marry me. We were going to travel the world and live in an apartment with great glass windows and three dogs.

Oh and I knew it was a cliché but it was so addicting to think about. And I admit there were times I believed it might actually happen.

I Didn’t Love You Back

Summer had brought its fair share of storms; leaving me vulnerable in a time I needed to be strong.  My nights were spent drinking away the pain of a bad breakup, one that ended with more than just emotional bruises. The physical pieces were put back together easily enough, but my mind had been shattered along with my heart. I no longer believed in love, how could I have? If the past year was love, I’d pass in favor of a life with my twelve cats.

But then I saw you.

You walked toward me- okay you walked toward our mutual friend I was standing next to- and I swear I could feel the butterflies about to burst from my chest. Butterflies I never thought I’d feel again, much less feel so soon.

We grabbed our drinks and headed toward the back patio of the bar. It was nice being around new people; people who hadn’t heard the story of what happened to me just the month before. No concerning looks, no questions. We laughed and joked playing on each other’s Tinder’s, seeing who could come up with the best line to use. At some point you asked if anyone wanted a shot, and I eagerly volunteered. I remember this so clearly; you handing me my shot and then dropping yours straight on the ground before getting to take it. “Can you blame me? Pretty girls make me nervous.” You said.

I hadn’t smiled so big in months.

The night drew to an end as your friends wanted to head home. I was left wondering when I would get to see you again.

In an ironic turn of events, we had matched on Tinder.  Sending a few messages back and forth before exchanging numbers, we made plans to go to a baseball game together. (Even if the date turned out to be a dud at least there’d be dollar beers.)

Your adorably goofy half smile was what struck me first as you walked up the bleachers. I wondered if you were as nervous as I was.

That night was the start of a new chapter for me. At least it should have been.

One of the hardest things to do is move on. Sure, we can act like we have; people are great at pretending. But to really read on to the next chapter we must accept the last. Something I hadn’t yet done.

Because the past was still in my present.

The leaves were changing yet the summer still loomed over me.

Court dates and police interrogations, ex-boyfriend messages, threatening texts. It was overpowering to the point I couldn’t see what was in front of me. I had met someone perfect for me in every way, but here I felt like I didn’t deserve him. My depression clouded my judgement; I broke away from everyone close to me in hopes of saving them pain in the future. I no longer had the desire or willpower to live; not like this.

I remember the night I told you this. I allowed you to see me broken; I think part of me wanted you to know what demons I was facing.

“Make me understand, Emily.” You said.

How could I explain something I didn’t understand myself?

We met at the wrong time. That’s what I tell myself anyways.

But then I think about dancing in your kitchen to Taylor Swift. And lying on my apartment floor, imagining we were looking at the stars. And you walking from your house to check on me after I told you I nearly fainted outside of class.

And I think about how it felt to sleep in your arms, and wake up next to you.

And then I think; maybe we didn’t meet at the wrong time. Maybe I needed you to show me how a real man treats a woman. How a real man loves. I needed to see there was such a thing as good guys, and that butterflies were not yet extinct.

I wish I could have been better for you. I wish I could have shown you all of the things you deserve. I didn’t love you back, but it doesn’t mean I didn’t love you.

Because I did, and I still do.

“What I Wanted To Say”

I should’ve done something
Again I did nothing
Watched us separate
What should I do now
Run and chase you down?
I can’t hesitate

‘Cause all I wanted to say was something real
All I want you to know is how I feel
All I wanted to give was my heart
But I’m stuck here at the start

It’s on the tip of my tongue but I’m still afraid
Sometimes the only things words do is get in the way
Sometimes the easiest things are the hardest to say
But I don’t want to lose you, drive you away
Don’t want to confuse you, I need you to stay
Only wish you knew what I wanted to say

My hands are shaking
I’m yours for the taking
Don’t you hesitate
Please just do one thing
One small sign, something
Let’s jump off the edge

‘Cause all I want you to say is something real
All I wanted to know is how you feel
All I want you to give is your heart
But we’re stuck here at the start