Of course I wanted him. Of course I did. But he was leaving and that was the only piece of truth which resulted from this whole mess. He was leaving and I felt as though someone had punched me in the stomach. He was leaving and I spent all of my time wishing he wasn’t.
Sometimes I’ll be so close to sending that “I miss you” text. And if I was being completely honest with myself, I’d say much, much more than that. I’d say I still haven’t found anyone who compares to you. I’d say I’ve been holding out for someone who can be half the man you were to me. But really, if I’m honest with myself, I’d say I’m still holding onto the slightest hope it’s you I’m waiting for. And I will. I’ll always be here waiting for you.
Sometimes I think I’ve finally got it all figured out. Like I’ve found the missing piece that holds my world together. I’ll think, “so this is how it feels.” And for a moment, I’ll take solace in the silence. Find peace with the mediocrity of it all. But before long I’m back on that road, going far too fast with no intention of stopping. And I’ll think “I’d rather feel this.” And I suppose I’m set in my reckless ways; but I’d rather scream my heart out into the unknown than live a life of reticent familiarity.
Maybe 5 years from now
Our paths will cross again
And I’ll tell you how desperately in love I was with you
And we can laugh about how we
Broke each others’ hearts
“And I know it’s stupid,” she says slowly, gathering the courage to continue. “And I know you’re fine without me. But when I hear that song I can’t help but wonder if we both made a mistake. Because this gut wrenching ache in my heart tells me I could have loved you. And I think you could have loved me back.”
Thinking about him was the worst form of self harm. Because I knew deep down I was the furthest thing from his mind.